When I was twelve I had to decide if I wanted to be confirmed in church, or not. I can remember it as if it was yesterday, exactly where I was walking and exactly how the contemplations and rationalisations were running through my mind while I was trying to decide what to do. As certain as I was that I don’t believe in the existence of God, as sure was I that there is something within me that can be relied on and trusted even though I had no idea of what that was.
I did go to church and get my confirmation. I dedicated that conformation to the “place” within me that can be relied on and trusted, but yet had to be discovered. From that moment and onwards I was in search for it. I don’t have any clever or funny stories about me searching high and low all around the world for it, because it was never that kind of search. I neither did any deep soul searching. At the most I reflected on that “Know thyself” was of surprisingly little interest to me, and maybe once in awhile wondering if I ought to be concerned about that. I guess, one could say that whatever practical that came my way I tried it out, and naturally failed to apply. Or, maybe that is not even true. I remember trying out Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice about listening for the silence in between the sound and me visually seeing the silence on the first attempt. Shocking and cool, but without any practical use.
In the beginning of November 2010 a friend had been trying for about six months to get me interested in Human Design. I was not interested to know about something a bit similar to astrology. At the third attempt she (projector) changed her strategy and asked for my birth time, and then instead of verbally trying to convince me to have a look at it she simply put my chart in front of me. My whole chest area lit up in recognition of that that was me graphically displayed on a piece of paper. And my mind was thoroughly impressed by the fact that a graph on a paper could describe the feeling of that strong connection within that had always turned up at the most shitty moments in my life and carried me through them. I had finally found what I had been looking for; something that gave me a simple, mundane and practical strategy to experiment with.